I'm pretty sure I've doubled the number of gray hairs on my head in the past month.
I always thought I had a grateful heart and a positive attitude. Clearly I like to think the best of myself. :) In his wisdom, God answered my prayer to show me my heart as He sees it and make my heart more like His. I always knew it was a dangerous prayer.
A month ago I got here and before I could catch my breath I was met with nasty shocks. Circumstantial messes, Satan's kicks and punches, the depth of loss I felt, and my own reaction to it all left me flailing helplessly, floundering. In the stress and busyness it was easy not to carve out time. Precious time. Struggling to keep head over water, I flailed harder. Not surprisingly, it didn't work too well. "You're nothing but a failure", the enemy whispered. "Real missionaries would never find these things hard". Kicks are easily delivered when you're already down.
Audrey Assad sings in this song:
Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
I'm one to whom swimming doesn't come easy, and this 'almost drowning' should have reminded me to let go and float. When you float, you are carried by the very water you have been fighting to stay up in. Father had His ways. He reminded me. As a team we realised we needed to pray together everyday. I realised I needed to stop, to process and to cry the sticky salty tears with Daddy.
I was given a book by a dear friend, which is teaching me to cultivate gratitude. It's called 'One Thousand Gifts'. I am reminded that showers of gifts are always coming from Daddy's hand. It is in my ability to find them, to count them that I can be still, and can find joy. Challenged to actually list 1000 gifts around me, I am forced to slow down. As I stop rushing past His gifts and stop taking them for granted, I find I have new eyes. Finally I begin to float, I see Him all around me in the very circumstances I was struggling against, Him loving me, carrying me.
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| These are some of my 1000 gifts :) |
This is what I have been asking for - to be carried higher, go deeper, know Him better. 'Singing in the storm' and 'dancing in the rain' are great ideas... but it can be a process to get there. I like happiness, security, comfort as much as the next person. Us Christians, we feel we have to be superheroes. (Missionaries even more so). But it turns out we're faltering, weak. Grief will hurt, changes will challenge, pain isn't a party. Lamenting is good and right and necessary. And through the lament, we are held in the arms of Mighty God.
As we go through the grief of difficult seasons, it becomes soul fertiliser for the next season. So I'm accepting difficulty, faced with weakness, brought to stillness. I'm coming through to gratitude and re-finding the joy that I am called to.
For anyone out there who could do with a little encouragement today, here is A Pep Talk. The kid speaks truth - "I took the road less travelled... AND IT HURT, MAN!" Haha.
"If we're all on the same team, let's start acting like it. We've got work to do. We can cry about it, or we can dance about it. You were made to be awesome. Let's get out there!"
