Sheltered

Some say it like a bad word. I wear it as a badge of honour.

Re-entry stress, or reverse culture shock is the disorientated malaise in returning to a home you presume to be familiar, but which, in reality, is no more familiar than the me that called it home. Re-entry is said to be 'like wearing contact lenses in the wrong eyes. Everything looks almost right'. The longer you live overseas, the more you open yourself to 'them' and 'their world', the less you seem to fit. Anywhere.

I've been through this before. It was months of torture. Months of conflicted emotions. Wanting to be here, but also there. That is better - no this is. I prefer the me I used to be, and who am I now anyway? And so on and on it went. This time is different. There's a shelteredness here, a sense of Someone Planned This. It seems suspiciously smooth. Strangely quiet.

The tears came at the right times, and sometimes the wrong. They carried my grief, losses, unanswered questions. I barely have words for how conflicted I feel. Is this how it should be? Do I need to debrief? Receive prayer? I suspect I simply need time, Sheltered time. But whatever I need, my Shelter knows it. And He says I'm safe with Him.

If you don't know how this girl in the sculpture feels (unfortunately it isn't my creation!), if you don't know the Shelter of God's presence, His shielding from the tempest inside and out, let me share with you these words of promise:

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, 
my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 

~ From Psalm 91

Speak to this Shelter until you live in Him. He is listening.

Ten gifts from Thailand

The change of season has arrived. Although it feels right to leave for a while and I do have an abiding peace, it has been so hard to leave this land and these people I have come to love. In my last 10 days in Thailand, I listed 10 gifts God gave me during my time there:

My epic and unforgettable farewell party was a total surprise; so many dear friends came together to send me off in style!

1. Team-mates who have become family. We have shared laughter and tears, and so many crazy adventures together. We have lived our dream and our calling together to the fullest we could, in our own flawed and imperfect ways. We became part of the furniture in each other's homes, set the world to rights around many a table of somtum and grilled chicken with sticky rice. We've screamed together in frustration over innumerable cultural blunders or parts of the culture we understand but don't like. Your children have become my nieces and nephews. Our lives have become inextricably linked. As iron sharpens iron, so you have sharpened me. Other times, you've sawn off my rough edges and we've stayed friends through it! 

2. Thankful for each Thai friend who has made space and welcomed me into their heart and home, walked with me patiently as I took baby steps to integrating in Thailand the past 4 years. You didn't need me, yet you introduced me to your world. You have enriched my life.  I've learned much from you, but best of all, I've seen Jesus in you. Seeing Him through your eyes has made Him even more beautiful. 

3. The incredible mingling of flavours in Thai food that set my tastebuds tingling, the vast range of cheap and yummy Thai snacks and fruits so readily available - durian, mangoes, lychees... how I will miss you! I will miss eating out as often as I want, and knowing it is cheap, healthy and delicious!

4. Sandy: my faithful companion, guard dog and baby for the year I lived in Surin. The little stray puppy was absolutely a gift sent from God for this time. My heart breaks to leave her behind, yet I'm comforted by the fact that her new family adore her almost as much as I do.

5. Thanking God for the privilege of being able to learn Thai, a tonal language. Despite many a language blunder, calling 'older sister' an 'evil spirit' or telling children to 'pee' rather than 'point' to their heads, I had the joy of being able to operate in the Thai language to a good degree of fluency. 

6. Thai & Isaan music that makes me sing along. I've loved being able to immerse myself in this part of the culture that is so beautiful. It's hard to choose just one track to share but here is a song about how I will miss my friends here. It brings back memories of my little Thai sister singing it for an audition!

7. Thankful for the fruit that I do/ don't see but God has brought and will bring from my time in Thailand. Today I had the privilege of hearing a few of my Thai sisters share ways they have been impacted through our friendship... I'd never have guessed. What a blessing to worship and pray with them. He's the God who brings abundance out of our small offerings, even just who we are when we're not trying to be or do something. Be encouraged as you live a life of love, it speaks loud because God puts a megaphone to our little voices. 

8. Thankful for the unique beauty of Thailand... year round hot weather, rainforested mountains in the North, tropical beaches in the South and rice fields in Isaan! I'll miss £4 Thai massages!

9. For the partnership of so many dear friends in the UK and beyond who have made serving in Thailand possible and have carried me with your prayers. Your letters and cards have lifted me so many times. I have been inspired by your example and encouragements. 

10. My heart is full with all that God has given me these past 4 years in Isaan. The biggest of these I will take with me and hope to nurture for the rest of my days... God's heart and passion for those who don't have any opportunity to know Him. It's not about changing their no to a yes, it's giving them the opportunity to choose. 86% of those in the unreached world will never meet a Christian. They'll have heard of and enjoyed Coca Cola but never heard of Jesus. This needs to change. 
I was one of these till I heard of and met Jesus at 13 and He has since been the Joy of my life. How tragic that so many are denied the opportunity to choose Him because we who know Him haven't made Him known. Today I thank God for letting me feel a fraction of His love for the unreached, and I pray that this will continue to grow, find an outlet and bear fruit whatever I go. <3  your 

The beauty of hindsight

As the warm glow of autumn gave way to the stark chill of winter, I got trigger happy with my camera. There is just so much beauty. 

 The pictures remind me that life has seasons, each with its unique beauty. Each makes the seasons before and after make sense. Each makes the other more beautiful.

 So as I look back at the year gone by, I am blessed with the clarity of hindsight.

A letter to the me of last year:

Remember Jesus.

Don't believe everything you think. 

When the tears flow freely, let them. Leave space for lament. 

When you can't see the way ahead, even the uncertainty has a reason. 

When everyone else seems to have it easy, they actually think the same of you. 

When you don't have words for prayer, you're learning to pray with your spirit.

When dreams cause pain and confusion, wait for their meaning. 

When you have nothing to give, it's okay to receive. 

When all seems lost, don't be fooled. 

Remember who He is.

I wish foresight was as clear as hindsight, but it never is. In the moment of pain and confusion, I can be so blinded by my emotions, I lose sight of God.  Yet that is when I have needed Him the most, and He has always shown up.  He has sent the right person, the right word, in the nick of time.  He has been the friend who sticks closer than a brother.  

As I look back, I am humbled by my Father's tender care.  A friend said to me recently, 'He's the God of the curve ball'. I've certainly seen that this year.  Out of nowhere the setbacks came, hard on the heels of the last. Some solutions came just as fast.  Other times, answers were slow in coming, or didn't come at all and I wondered why.  I learned to wait, to walk in faith.  

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay. (Hab 2:3)

As one year gives way to the next, I only ask that these precious lessons would not be wasted. That I would take them with me into the challenges that lie ahead. That I would trust Father when foresight is insufficient, and wait for hindsight.  Because He sees it all at once, and allows each season to run its course, mark its own particular beauty into the landscape of my life.

Saying no to #FOMO

We make thousands of choices everyday, and some can be downright hard: Apple crumble or cheesecake? Custard or cream?! For those of us prone to minor FOMO, 'What ifs' can be hard to live with. When I'm faced with a crossroads (we're talking bigger than pudding choices now!) I can often see the risks and the potential in either choice. And then I struggle to choose, an internal battle ensues... I can develop a case of major FOMO.

But when you think about it, who doesn't. Under control, it can actually be a drive to try new things, push the boat out. If it controls you, it can be paralysing. FOMO says whatever you choose, you will miss out on something else. And the imagined loss of whatever you feel like you may miss out on, if it's attached to a deep value, can create a sense of hopelessness. Things can seem really bleak, even though the reality is, nothing bad has actually yet happened. That's the power of fear, and it's deceptive nature reeks of its master. Because in the muddle of fear, we lose sight of hope.

A dear friend reminded me that HOPE grows out of soaking in who God is, and in experiences of His kindness. And FAITH is "confidence in the kindness of God despite the circumstances" (Ann Voskamp). Faith building, then, is looking for His kindness. And if we can just lift our eyes off our feelings and look, really look for His fingerprints, we find we have an infinitely good, kind Father.

In time, and it often does take time, I make my choice in faith. I walk through the door it seems God is opening, resisting the temptation of pushing another one open. I'm tentative at first; courage is not the absence of fear but taking action despite it. I know the costs well at this stage, the risks are real, whatever I choose. There has been soul-searching, wrestling prayer.

Continually choosing to surrender my tangle of thoughts, I determine in my heart that God is God, and I am not. (Why are the simplest truths usually the most profound and the hardest to live out?) That He is in control, and He is going to use my choice to work out his good purposes.

And in this 'simple' acknowledgement, quietly, the battle against FOMO is won today. I know I will have to say it again tomorrow, but I'm celebrating each step.

I Will Not Die an Unlived Life
~ By Dawna Markova (2008)

I will not die an unlived life 
I will not live in fear 
of falling or catching fire. 
I choose to inhabit my days, 
to allow my living to open me, 
to make me less afraid, 
more accessible, 
to loosen my heart 
until it becomes a wing, 
a torch, a promise. 
I choose to risk my significance; 
to live so that which came to me as seed 
goes to the next as blossom 
and that which came to me as blossom, 
goes on as fruit.

This stunning poem is such a gift to me, reminding me to live and make my choices with passion and on purpose, not out of fear. I am sure I'm not on my own here with my FOMO issues. If you relate, and have a story of how you overcame it, do share it in the comments.

What feeds your soul?

A walk in the hills fed mine.

We walked and talked, Dad and I
Breathing freedom, my melody rose.

Meeting a friend for a party of praise
Inhibitions dropped off
Along with the weights.  

A wedding boogie, games with the fam
When laughing tears flow often
My soul's watered.

Work, designed in perfect Eden
Catalyses, enlivens
Calls forth my best Nam.

I get lost in the story,
His Kingdom does come!
Despite how I feel, it's bigger than me.

My soul's well fed
I'm remembering Love ~
I'm joyfully His, and He's got this. 

One of the things that I have been chewing on this month is a fantastic book called Dirty Glory, by Pete Greig. No he is not paying me to say this, but it is a book that will make you fall in love with Jesus again, inspire prayer to bubble out of your spirit and spur you out into living the gospel on the streets. Book plug done... Just wanted to share the feast. ;)

 

An oasis of connection

One of the unique challenges of living and working in a country and culture not your own is a distinct lack of connection. As soon as you step out of your house you are immersed in a language and worldview, ways of thinking and questioning and conversing that are not your own. What I often get is a friendly 'getting-to-know-you' interrogation, just a casual series of friendly questions like

What are you doing here?
  Who do you live with?
    How much do you pay for rent?
      Why do you live alone, that's terrible.
         By the way what is your street and house number?
          What, you don't have kids yet?
             How old are you?
              Why haven't you married?
                You really should hurry up with that.
                  Would you like me to hook you up?

What is meant as a friendly chat, as you can imagine feels to the Western mind like my own very personal Spanish inquisition.  In that sense, coming home to the UK has been a relief. It is an oasis of connection. People converse in ways that feel normal and comfortable to me and in a language I don't have to put a lot of energy into using. That in itself feels like a good long drink to my soul - an oasis.

But there is also a challenge to being home. In a way, the connection itself is a challenge. Because friends here have no real idea of my world in Thailand with its unique oddities and joys and challenges, I paint elaborate word pictures to help you get a small glimpse. But whether I am at my UK 'home' or my Thai one, there is no one who has stepped into everything and every place that makes me who I am.

And then I realise that what I really long for is a level of connection where I am fully known and understood. Where my heart is heard without needing explanation because the experiences have been shared. The loss of being fully known is one of the things I grieve most in this path of life I have chosen.

At times it feels a bit overwhelming to have so many pieces of me scattered across the world, and communicating enough to make myself understood to those around me whichever context I find myself in. Yet that loss comes with a deep blessing. It gives me the unique advantage that my Father God is the only One who can really be my Oasis. He has been water to my soul wherever I am. In Thailand and here, He has shared every story I have lived. He doesn't need me to be a great communicator, He can just hold me with all of my complexity and scattered-ness and say to me, "I know". Because He has been there first, and He has been there with me.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Heb 4:15,16)

What wonderful comfort to realise then that I can go to my Oasis every day, because He is always with me. If you are feeling and grieving a lack of connection, let me encourage you to visit the Oasis. 

You'd never guess from the smiles

Thailand is the 'Land of Smiles'. But today God was showing me the brokenness just under the surface, His desperation for the lost ones around me. My heart grieved as one after another, I saw brokenness unfold through my day.
A woman whose Facebook profile is more important to her than real life. It is built on lies, she is broken about her reality of poverty and lack.
A girl who sheds crocodile tears and weaves stories to get her own way. Her father has a mistress his daughter's age.
A young boy of 10 whose broken heart burned with anger against his mother. She didn't have time to make sure he showered for the past 4 days. He felt he should be beaten for his behaviour.
You'd never guess from the smiles.

First, a wedding. What could possibly be sad at a wedding? The bride was a nominal Christian, the groom a folk Buddhist. The teenage couple already had a child. Yesterday the wedding party spent all day with a spirit medium, asking what demands the evil spirits would make, doing all that they could to appease them. Today the wedding ceremony was to take place. The Pastor had spent the past 3 nights sleepless, wondering how to conduct such a ceremony in good conscience before God, where evil spirits were being openly worshipped by one party while the other wanted to do 'the right thing'. If he didn't conduct a Christian ceremony, they would bow down only to demons on their wedding day.

The ceremony began at the bride's home. Outside, she had to serve whiskey to the groomsmen, which was downed in one, to loud cheering and applause. The father of the bride (not a believer) was already quite drunk at 9 am, the groom's party not far off. The Christian wedding ceremony then took place inside the house, the groom's mother in floods of tears, heart broken over her teenage son rushing into marriage and fatherhood. The ceremony was touching. The groom's friends and villagers ate and drank outside. "What's taking so long?!" someone shouted mid-way through.
55 000 Baht was given as the customary gift from the groom's parents to the bride's. They wanted it to be 80 000 but hadn't had time to save up for it. The ceremony complete, blaring loudspeakers signalled the drunken street party had resumed. I asked myself, what union does the kingdom of light have with the kingdom of darkness? I was reminded of the kings of Judah and Israel, compromising the worship of the Most High God by worshipping other gods, and us likewise worshipping our own thoughts on what is right or wrong, or permissible. And I felt Father weep over His children.

As soon as we returned from the wedding, my friend Mot called - her sister had been killed in a car accident. She was my age, I had just met her yesterday. Shock and tears were all my friend had, while trying frantically to juggle all the phonecalls, demands, decisions to organise the funeral and get paperwork in order. Her sister had not been a believer, and neither was the wider family. Mot, the only believer in the family grieved hard. She knew her sister was gone and the funeral would do nothing to change her fate now. I stayed with her a few hours, as people drifted in and out. Just yesterday we had been sharing with her aged grandparents, thinking Grandad didn't have long to live. Today we were confronted with the brevity of life itself, no matter how old we are. "All I can say is, I need to love people more. I need to love people while I can, because you never know when time will run out", she said.

Finally, I went to the market to buy some things and walk around to relax a little. I met two ladies while looking at some Thai silk. In a few minutes, one of them revealed she was worried about her 15 year old daughter who had got lost. She ran away from home 3 days ago after being beaten by her father. They've heard nothing from her and have no idea where she is. Her mother is a battered wife - all 6 children suffer at the hands of the father. I prayed with her, we wept. So did Father God.

On days like this, the world seems to cave in. There is just too much brokenness. Much of it is within the church. Those outside are even worse off. I know Jesus is the healer, and He lives in me. But the darkness can sometimes be deafening.