Growing pains

Life can seem a tangled mess on Earth...

It seems I am always growing… I wonder when I will actually ‘grow up’. I know, growth is a good thing, it means new beginnings and excitement and enlarged capacity. But that involves stretching and growing pains, uncertainty, vulnerability… weakness. I wonder when I will finally feel I’ve arrived. I know the answer and yet it feels like a fresh discovery - the transformation is only complete in heaven. Until then we really are far from home, citizens in a foreign country, where we don’t quite belong.

So why the growing pains? Yes, I want to be more like Jesus. But somehow I would rather bypass the chiselling, because it hurts. The pain is my inner protest because I want to retain control, by having God chisel where I want.

And I'm drawn back to the call I have answered, the call that brings unparalleled joy, eternal purpose and completeness: 

To to worship Him alone. 

To realise that my life no longer belongs to me.

That I no longer sit in the driving seat.

... home is heaven, with no more mess.

That my God is good, He is loving. And He is sovereign. 

That life is NOT about me, it is about Him. 

When everything is going according to my plan, it's easy to trust God. But if we're not careful, we can sometimes wrap the gospel in glitter paper. Yes, we live the resurrection life, the abundant life, we have access to joy and peace which are not of this world. But the fact is, this supernatural fruit is grown through dying daily. 

2 Cor 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned;struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 

The Corinthians believed that adversity was inconsistent with the Spirit-filled Christian life, let alone with the gospel ministry. Paul, on the other hand, maintained that God's power is seen most effectively through ministerial hardship and distress. These are not only growth pains, but death pains in the normal Christian life. While like to sing songs about Surrender, actually doing it is a little more like dying. We like to be in control of our circumstances and operate from a position of strength. But Jesus being Lord of my life means giving up my right to be in control, and ministering from brokenness. It is in our very weakness that the resurrection life of Jesus is revealed.

George Mueller said of his secret of service to God: "There was a day when I died, utterly died: died to George Mueller, his opinions, preferences, tastes and will - died to the world, its approval or censure, died to the approval or blame even of my brethren and friends - and since then I have studied only to show myself approved unto God."* 

I bet it didn't really happen in a day, and we can be sure there was much pain involved. Why do I forget this so often? I can sometimes live and pray and talk as if God is about making me happy. Until God allows growing pains - or more accurately, dying pains. Why? Because death must come before the resurrection. Sorrow before strength. Pain paves the way for the life of power.

Henri Nouwen writes, "To be healed of resentment and move into gratitude requires me to dance - to believe again, even amid my pain, that God will orchestrate and guide my life. The mystery of the dance is that its movements are discovered in taking the steps one by one: some slow, some quick. Some smooth, some not. If all steps on the journey are movements of grace, we can be grateful for every moment we have lived, knowing that all is grace."^

And if once we start to see that all is grace, we can begin to agree with the apostle Paul: 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Cor 4:16 )

For anyone with whom this strikes a chord, who needs a little perspective and encouragement, here's a fantastic sermon by Steven Furtick in his series #DeathToSelfie

'Just because the Bible says God works all things together for our good, does not mean everything feels good all the time. But it’s often our times of greatest struggle that we can gain the most strength and increase our faith. In the final part of our series #DeathToSelfie, Pastor Steven uses the story of Jacob renaming his son Benjamin to show us that, though there are circumstances in our lives we didn't choose to go through, God has given us the rights to call any circumstance a blessing in His name.'

* from Jesus Driven Ministry by A. Fernando. p82

^ from Spiritual Formation by Henri Nouwen. 

Ambushed

When I don't understand 

and wonder if He cares... 

Where are you Lord? 

Unanswered questions 

and unexpected tears

Where are you Lord? 

I blame Him, 

then run to Him

Where are you Lord? 

Hammer at His door, 

then ignore Him

Where are you Lord? 

Hear His voice, 

then wonder if I did

Where are you Lord? 

Blinded by emotion,

too scared to believe

Where are you Lord? 

And then He shows up

When I least expect it ~

Could it be You Lord?

I hear myself tell a neighbour

what life with Him is about

Do I believe what I teach?

Truth ministers to me

through my own mouth.

So you're really with me Lord?

Ambushed by Father

His arms outstretched

Will you let Me hold you? 

If you love Me

more than these,

will you feed My sheep?

As you feed them

with the truth you know,

Let me feed you with Mine?

When you don't understand

still will you trust Me,

Let Me be your everything?

Come as you are

In all my time here in Isaan, I have eaten Isaan food, tried to speak Isaan, and laid awake in bed to many a blaring Isaan karaoke party. But the vast majority of Isaan churches don’t do ‘Isaan church’! Missionary traditions die hard. We Westerners have a lot to answer for. An Isaan believer will spend most days living a simple, Isaan village life. But on Sundays at Church, things are different. Suddenly you need chairs to sit on, in rows. You stand to sing, sit for the sermon. You serve Communion from little cups, have a stage, and a red or blue curtain with a cross on it. And you sing songs that were originally in English so have western melodies, but have been translated into Thai (not Isaan, their heart language)... and we wonder why Thais think Christianity is not for them!

In the words of the one and only Sanka Coffie (Cool Runnings), "All I'm saying, man, is if we walk Jamaican, talk Jamaican, and *is* Jamaican, then we sure as hell better bobsled Jamaican!" And so after spending so long seeing people walk Isaan, talk Isaan and *is* Isaan, I finally had the opportunity to see them worship Isaan style! As soon as they started to play the Phin (Isaan guitar) and the Isaan pipes, the ladies were feeling the rhythm. They could not keep from dancing! Beautiful, graceful Isaan dancing to Isaan instruments and melodies thrilled their heart, you could see the joy in their faces. It was truly a taste of heaven, where every tongue and tribe will worship God in the distinct way they were created!

A week later, I was able to witness it again, as we connected our new believers (see last month's blog) to their nearest church, which happened to be another rare, authentically Isaan body of believers, eating sticky rice instead of bread for Communion. When I showed the video to my guitar teacher, who is exploring Christianity and loves listening to western worship music, he was incredulous. “Can we use these Isaan instruments and melodies to sing to God? It's not wrong?!" he asked. What a tragedy that such a question should come so naturally. The number of churches in Isaan is tiny, and among those, the percentage that express their faith in an authentically Isaan way is even tinier. 

Do you come as you are or put on a show? We know that God is most interested in our heart, outward appearances won't fool Him. Spirit and truth is what He is after. But what about language and style? Can you worship in English or do you have to sing and talk to God in Latin?  Are you a hymn person, or a Hillsong person? A hands in pockets worshipper or flag waver? A drummer or a Quaker? Most likely, you are one of the privileged few in the world (see statistics below*) to have the Bible in your heart language, moreover in all kinds of interesting translations and colourful covers! And access to a bewildering choice of worship music to use in your heart language. It is so easy for us to be ourselves in His presence. Are we making the most of it? 

* Out of almost 7000 languages in use today, over 500 have the complete translated Bible. Over 1800 languages (~180 mill ppl) still need a Bible translation project to begin. 

More than we dreamed

Ephesians 3The Message (MSG)

20-21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Another Friday at the cancer hospital

Why does it always feel so hard?

Short of time, energy and motivation, distracted.

But little did we know, the Spirit had plans.

Over oranges on bamboo beds, Phii Aw unloads

Tragedy, grief and cancer have together eaten her hope.

But Hope breaks in, resonates as Truth.

For the poor in spirit the Saviour has come.

Her eyes brighten, her spirit responds

The week before Christmas a new child is born!

The angels rejoiced, and we did on earth

This new child in the kingdom shares with all who would hear.

In the outpatients ward they gossiped the good news -

“We don’t turn on the TV, we hear stories of Jesus”.

Within a week, she had read through Luke

Though poor and unschooled, she lapped up the Truth.

“I want what she’s got” … as hunger sparked hunger -

“Tell me more about Jesus” pleaded her room-mate, Kaap.

Though we of little faith were slow to see,

The Spirit was at work, more than we could have believed.

A Bible study for one was delivered to three –

Thirsty hearts drank it in, “this story is about me.”

“Could there really be a love like this?

If this is really true, then I want in.”

So from one to three new daughters of Christ

Their joy none could fathom, they had found new life.

Open hearted, unashamed, they wear with pride

Love for their Saviour, hunger for His light.

In this short window of relationship, seeds have sprouted

Now back in their homes may fires of faith be ignited.

The King’s kingdom consists of such childlike faith

In his Faithful hands we leave Aw, Kaap and Phen.

Stories from the 'hood

The Kids Club at our house on Saturdays has probably been as much a cultural education for us, as for the children who attend, and see us doing things probably very differently to what they are used to. Thankfully, they don't laugh at our language mistakes, and strange ways.

Cultural lessons have included the surprise element each week about when the club is going to begin. At times we get children turning up at our door an hour early and wanting to play; other times they are half an hour late, with no explanation. This fluid concept of time and appointments extends to most of our meetings, especially in the villages - Isaan people, like most of the world, don't live by the clock and it's almost impossible for them to schedule things because they simply take each day as it comes. Although this is frustrating for the planner in me, it is definitely teaching me to just chill and take things as they come.

A favourite activity was doing this group painting after learning the story of Creation.
We are aiming to teach the stories using the Discovery method, where they learn the story well so they are able to retell it, then think about what it teaches them about God, themselves and how this applies to their lives. One week, after learning the Bible story of the fall of man, one little girl asked, "Can I tell a story about a scary ghost now?" This is such a prevalent subject here, we are beginning to get used to it but it still saddens us that evil spirits are such a commonly acknowledged presence here and have such a grip of fear over hearts. We were able to ask her in relation to the Creation and Fall of man story, "Who is most powerful?", "Where does fear and evil come from?" for her to discover that as children of an all-powerful God we have no reason to fear, and should not give Satan and his spirits a place in our lives or thoughts.

This is Aunty Uu and her daughter Kaew. They own and run little corner shops down my street. On the day we moved into this house, I ventured into Uu's shop looking for something. We started chatting, and very quickly struck up a great friendship. She and Kaew have become like family to me, sharing laughs, stories, encouragement and prayers over food every Friday. Uu is a very religious folk-Buddhist, incorporating a little of everything she likes into her faith. Both wanted to come to church with me. When Uu visited, God gave someone in the house church a word of knowledge about a pain in her side that she has had for a long time. We prayed, and she was amazed at how God would care to give someone that knowledge. The next week she said the pain was much better, and that now she worships both Jesus and Buddha. Such a response came as such a disappointment to me, but it is natural considering the deeply embedded worldview she has built up over her whole life. Only the Holy Spirit can lift the veil over her heart. Please pray for her, and for Kaew, who also encountered God when she visited.

The apostle Paul wrote, "When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power." (1 Cor 2:1-5).

This gives me no end of encouragement and fuel for prayer.

Today we saw this Scripture in action. We visited the cancer hospital, feeling quite unmotivated and apprehensive. All the patients we knew had gone home. We never know how well we will be received or what we should do. It is a weekly exercise in trusting the leading of the Spirit. But all we had to be was available, and God arranged the rest. Minutes after we sat down, one patient started to pour out her heart to us. She had been through 3 life-shattering events during this year and her heart was in pieces. She listened intently as we shared the hope of the gospel with her, and testimonies from our own lives. She was ready to receive Jesus, and we led her in prayer. She kept saying she felt better, and felt the peace of the Spirit filling her as we invited His presence into her life. Then we sang worship songs and she was keen to sing along. Her first offering of worship to the Living God - a fulfilment of the purpose that she was created for.

Is there any greater joy in life than this? As Christmas approaches, I am filled with inexpressible joy that Jesus came, and keeps coming. All he needs is our invitation.

Hope-full

What does it mean to be children of a God who is, in His very essence, Love?

We are called to be His ambassadors. How he trusts us with this ridiculously awesome privilege baffles me continually. Despite my total inadequacy and frequent failures to represent this God of love, He still chooses to use me.

Too often I come to the realisation that I have been loving people with my own love, and not the Father’s. My love has mixed motives, wants quick returns, seeks the approval of others, wants to be made much of, falls short and runs out. His never does. Father, help me to love them with your love.  

What do I know of Calvary love? How deeply have I received it, to be able to give it to others?

This month in Thai class we have been studying social problems. We have talked about the corruption rife at every level of government making bribery commonplace and policing a joke; the ‘madness drug’ Yaba, a dangerous methamphetamine marketed to children and used widely among young people; the lure of prostitution as University students will do anything to get the new iPhone 6; the poverty mentality which subverts charity (eg. slum dwellers are given a house by the government under a ‘rent to buy’ scheme. But they sell their house to rich landowners, and then rent it from them, because present gains always take precedence over future investment). There was much more than this little taster, more than enough to give up hope of things ever changing. Then there are disappointments with the state of the local church, which I know will never be perfect, but does need to be purified.

Here in Isaan, and equally at home where you are, when social problems seem beyond hope and spiritual darkness pervades in the lives all around us, to love is to hope, and keep on hoping.

‘If I cannot catch “the sound of noise of rain” (1Kings 18:41) long before the rain falls, and, going to some hilltop of the spirit, as near to my God as I can, have not faith to wait there with my face between my knees, though six times or sixty times I am told “there is nothing,” till at last “there arises a little cloud out of the sea,” then I know nothing of Calvary love.’

This excerpt comes from Amy Carmichael’s little booklet, ‘If’, which I am reading at the moment. It reminds me to not grow weary of being expectant. I often find that sharing hope is painful; because the One I love the most, Love Himself, who deserves all worship, and is the author of all joy; when encountered by deaf ears and hard hearts, is usually met with apathy and sometimes with opposition. Still Calvary love keeps on loving.

‘If I do not look with eyes of hope on all in whom there is even a faint beginning, as our Lord did, when, just after His disciples had wrangled about which of them should be accounted the greatest, He softened His rebuke with those heart-melting words, “You are those who have stood by me in my trials” then I know nothing of Calvary love.’

As the chorus goes: 

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace.”

He is the God of Hope. It is only by setting, and resetting, and resetting again my gaze on Him, that the hopelessness, darkness and disappointments of this world grow dim, permeated by His hope. Because He is risen, I have hope. Because I do not serve a god made of stone or gold, of human hands, but the Creator of all things. ​

Even an eternal optimist like me can sometimes hear a smirking voice saying, "The Kingdom of God in Isaan? You're hoping...!”

Yes, I am. Because of Jesus, I am hope-full.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Rom 15:13)

PS. I can't recommend it highly enough: Amy Carmichael's booklet, 'If' is a free PDF download at http://steppinginthelight.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/if-amy-carmichael.pdf

My year in 10 confessions

1. There are some days when it is humiliating and hilarious in equal measure learning a tonal language.

With all the correct consonants and vowels in the right places, I still managed to tell a class full of 10 year olds to pee on their partner, instead of point at them.

2. I prefer it when insect medley isn't the only choice to go with my sticky rice.
Other times it doesn't even matter if there is a choice of food presented, because all they're interested in is if you will dare to eat the cow placenta, or fried frog, or duck tongue. So really, there is no choice (...and that is how I choked on a duck's tongue).

3. Sometimes I don't try hard enough to convince myself that "it's not wrong, it's just different".
Culture runs deep, and in mine, you don't tell your friend all the things that you observe about them, like commenting on their weight, skin colour, white hairs and imperfections...
Other times you have to suck up your ideas about hygiene and just do your washing up in the bathroom. Thais tend not to have indoor kitchens.

4. I still don't know how to answer the ever-present awkward question, "will you marry a Thai?" Say no and I've offended them. Say yes and they'll be making wedding preparations...

5. A thunderstorm when you're cooking doesn't make for a good curry night.
Because when it rains, it pours. And not only did the roof resemble a waterfall all around the kitchen, but the drain also flooded, putting the kitchen under inches of water. Praise God we were able to move house part-way through the rainy season!

6. I do not get on very well with geckos.
Yes, I know they eat mosquitoes, but I don't think they're ever going to be cute and cuddly to me. These little reptiles give me the heeby-jeebies. And they're pretty much everywhere.

7. I am thankful for my brown skin.
Most of my team-mates suffer from the 'farang' syndrome. A simple trip to the market can get frustrating as people all around are saying 'farang farang' (white foreigner). Others don't stop at that, wanting to feel the much coveted white skin for themselves. As for me, I blend in to some extent, but still arouse curiosity with my Indian features, which invite questions and start many conversations which often turn into friendships.

8. I miss mountains and autumn.
Isaan is a flat land, at least around where I live. Spending the last few years in Wales, I hadn't realised how much I had fallen in love with hills and mountains.
A recent trip to mountainous Chiang Mai was much needed soul-food. Not only was I again surrounded by hills, I also saw some orange trees.

9. I love eating rice everyday. As long as it's not for breakfast. Not eating rice 3 times a day is inconceivable for Thais. However I am sticking to my toast breakfast, lunch of varied descriptions (sometimes a carrot and home-made houmous, yum!) and rice in the evening.

A perk of living in Thailand, you are liable to get hugged by an elephant. 

10. I wish God would work to my schedule sometimes. Really, I'm not asking for much, just a city to turn from generations of  bondage to the kingdom of darkness to be set free and brought into the glorious freedom of Christ, right now. He is at work, more so than this region has ever seen. I am just hungry for so much more.







[I have to credit my friend, Frazer Mayhew for the confessions idea - thanks mate! ;) ]