A future not our own

My theodicy includes dancing

It helps now and then to step back and take a long view.

The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,

it is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a fraction

of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.

Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of

saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.

No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession

brings perfection, no pastoral visit brings wholeness.

No program accomplishes the Church's mission.

No set of goals and objectives include everything.

This is what we are about. We plant the seeds that one

day will grow. We water the seeds already planted

knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.

We provide yeast that produces effects

far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of

liberation in realising this.

This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.

It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning,

a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord's

grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the

difference between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders, ministers, not

messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

~ From the biography of Oscar Romero (1917–1980)

I was reminded of this refreshing and reassuring poem, as once again, everything changes and I am reminded that I am not in control. After a month of celebrating what I felt God was doing, I have to give it back to God, surrender my Isaac. I am disappointed again, not understanding. But as this has happened many times in the last months, I'm noticing a small, but precious change in my response. My theodicy is emerging.

Theodicy is the defense of God's goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil and suffering. In my painting, the rain is discomfort, disappointment, dashed plans. I want to escape it, protect myself from it with my umbrella. Yet now, in the shock of change and crisis, I am reminded of God's faithfulness in previous crises, and I can be comforted... I look up and see that the raindrops are shining. There's gold in the pain. I look up and look back and see how God has shone through the difficult times. Through the pain, He has refined me, drawn me to Himself. His golden goodness and glory have shone in the rain more than the sunny spring days. So I dance. I can rejoice in the knowledge that it's going to be okay. God is still in control. And He is still my perfect Father. 

Is worship beautiful?

How deceptive beauty can be. I was tired that day, it was my day off, and I couldn't get home from the market because the road had been blocked off. Not just with cones, but with 1000 Thai dancers, seated in rows along the baking tarmac in front of the Victory Monument. Immaculately dressed in identical Thai traditional outfits they sat, waiting to dance.

It was the annual ceremony to honour the spirits and welcome them into the town. Three ceremonies were held that same day - one at the City Pillar to honour the territorial spirits, another at the Victory Monument to honour the ancestors who founded the town, and another to honour the spirit of the rice harvest. You'll be happy to find the 2+ hour ceremony condensed into a 2+ minute video below.  

Worshipping the rice spirit

I stood there, listening, my heart burning. They invoked the ancestors, heavenly beings, various territorial spirits and the serpent of the Mekong river to come and reside here. They pledged allegiance, honour, worship on behalf of every organisation, every government official, every family, every person in town. As they chanted, prayed and offered incense, I grieved. How careless our prayers are sometimes, even though we pray to the Most High God, a Living God who actually hears and answers His children. I invited Him there as I sat among the crowds, seeing no other child of God there. I pleaded for mercy from heaven. 

Next came dancers, a different group from the 1000, who still sat on the road. This group was dressed in black. Bowing low, foreheads to the ground, they started a set of dances to honour and mourn the beloved King of Thailand who passed away last year. The King of all Kings was there, unacknowledged. I turned my heart to Him, my beloved. It was no longer us mourning for the king, it was the King, mourning for us.  

Finally, a lady walked to the altar of incense. She prayed and chanted and sang a long time. I did not understand what she sang this time, because she sang in Khmer. Suddenly she screamed and fell. I asked what had happened, and the lady next to me said "She's a spirit medium. The ancestors have now taken over, she is no longer herself." What happened next was too surreal to describe. In shock, I watched as her voice and language, behaviour and demeanour changed completely. Everyone around me was so excited, every eye followed her. After some bizarre behaviour, she said something in ancient Khmer which the people around me interpreted as "Dance!"

At at the command of a deceptive evil spirit in a possessed woman, over 1000 dancers danced in unison. If I did not understand what was going on I would have said it was beautiful. In fact it was the vilest, saddest thing I have seen since being in Thailand. 

The 'City Pillar' sounds pretty harmless doesn't it? It also looks beautiful at first. At its ancient foundations lies human sacrifice to appease territorial spirits. At its centre stands a large Sivaling - the phallus of the Hindu god of destruction. I leave the ancient ritual practices of the temple to your imagination. They believe worshipping here regularly will allow them to live in peace and happiness. 

This is the land I have been asked to bless, to intercede for. The people so lost in darkness, so blind, so helpless, they can't tell darkness from light. My heart is heavy with Father's love for them. 

Let me end with something really beautiful. On Sunday we had a prayer and worship team visit us here. The pastors of the church took us around the spiritual strongholds of Sangkha. We then went back to the church and let loose in worship and prayer, and heaven came down. We soaked in Father's love, His good plans for this people, and we declared it over the land, blessing it in Jesus mighty name. Will you take a moment and join us?  If you receive any words from God while you pray and listen, please drop me an email.

Mountains moved

The new year has brought with it a new season. A season I have longed for, where the battle eases. Where persevering prayer bears fruit and mountains are moved. I have struggled at times to see the silver lining amidst all the grey in the past 5 months... but together we clung to hope, believing that through all the messes, God would work good. And so this month, I am celebrating with relief. Celebrating the grace gifts my Father has given me, hopeless situations he has moulded into beauty. Some of these I can't share publicly, but here are some I can.

After several attempts that did not work, I now have a language teacher I have already grown to love. She is Mae Nope, a joyful, faith-filled, motherly helper God has prepared for me here in Surin. She and her husband have just begun a long awaited dream of building their own house. From cutting down trees to mixing cement, this hardworking pair make me marvel at the abilities God has built into each one of us. And yet she says she feels called to set aside a couple of hours of her day to help me learn Khmer. Pray for this relationship to blossom and bless us both, and for learning to be consistent and fruitful. 

He has also provided a staff worker we need to help us with government paperwork in the Foundation branch we are opening here. In the last several months we had been trying and not found anyone suitable. We finally talked to the church pastors to ask if they could recommend anyone. They racked their brains and came up with no ideas... except to take it to the prayer meeting that was about to begin. At the end of the meeting, a lady called Mot came up to say she thought she could help. We met with her and she does seem to fit the bill. We're still at the beginning stages, and next week are attending a staff worker and branch manager (that's me) training. Pray the training is clear and gives us confidence in this complicated role. Also that if she is the right person, she will stay with us and help us consistently and effectively, long term. 

Praise Him for a sticky visa situation resolved in November, making us legal to stay here in Surin while we await paperwork from the government to open our branch. Pray for this paperwork to be received quickly, and for my visa application next month to go smoothly, so that I can receive another 1 year visa without any problems.

As we wait to officially open our branch, we have had many opportunities to go out in surrounding villages and meet people. Much fruit has come out of these meetings - we have met village leaders and school head teachers to make plans to work together in the coming months to teach Child Protection. Most exciting has been an opportunity to get to know a family in a nearby village who came together to meet us and hear a Jesus story. This month we led our first Discovery Bible Study in Surin with a group of 9 adults, discussing the story of the demon possessed man. Pray for a hunger for God to take hold of their hearts! 

One of the relatives was a 59 year old man dying of stomach cancer... the thinnest man I have ever seen. We visited him 3 times, each time sharing about God and praying for his healing. Last week I felt an urgency to share the gospel with him. He seemed to be more alert than usual, and listened with interest. He wanted to know what he would have to do if he became a child of God. He wanted to know more by reading the Scriptures before he came to a decision. We went to see him this week, expectant. Instead, we arrived at his funeral. I was deeply saddened and shaken by the urgency of our task. We will never know whether the Spirit led him to a decision before his final moments. At least he has the opportunity to hear the truth before it was too late. Walking with the the funeral procession, I felt moved with compassion. These are the lost children, harassed and helpless, sheep without a shepherd. Ask the Lord of the harvest to send out hundreds and thousands of harvesters in Surin, until every villager has access to a church and every household has heard the good news! 

Ot, a friend I am getting to know at church

Lastly, and very importantly, God is providing local friends. Lovely young women who I am slowly getting to know. It takes time and patience. But at least I am seeing glimmers of hope for friendships. Praise God for Yu, Jum, Noi and Benz. None of them know the Lord. But I pray one day they will. Pray with me for these and other friendships to blossom and be a mutual blessing.  

Prayers are answered, joy is restored. But I am keenly aware of the lessons learned in the waiting, and in the fire. They could have been learned no other way. I am thankful that our God is Lord over every season in our lives. And thankful that seasons change!

Look back and laugh

A picture diary of the lighter side of life in Isaan this year :) Click pictures to enlarge.

You have to be a little 'special' to be working here... 

My amazing painting team 

Best house-mates of Christmas' past

My Thai Mum

My adopted niece and nephew in the team

The day I decided to take Sandy home!

Fun and games at a Pioneers conference

At a local ancestor worship festival

Helping lead worship

My two favourite things in one picture -
a vine hanging over a waterfall!

... What happened next??

Family visit - what a laugh!! 

Partners in crime :)

Answer from the mouth of lions

When your ability to live among the people God has called you to is put in jeopardy by paperwork, it suddenly goes from being mind-numbingly boring to taking on utmost importance. The past 2-3 weeks have been tense, as we were told that our stay in S province had become illegal, and we may be arrested and thrown out of Thailand. No we have not been involved in criminal activity, it is just that no one realised that 6 months before we moved here, we should have rented an office, found a staff worker, submitted papers and received permission to open a branch of our organisation here. Without it, we were told we cannot live here as our visa is to work, and at present we are only legal to work in U province. Complicated. So we were given our options by the Head Office.

Plan 1 - Go to Laos (4 hrs)

It seemed the least disruptive option for us was to go to Laos, get a different kind of visa and continue living in S until the paperwork arrived to open the office. We would then have to continue doing these 'border runs' every 3 months. So we collected all our papers, and left S (with me half asleep and not well) at 3:30 am to drive to the Lao border.
...We didn't even get past the Thai border controls. It turned out we were not only illegal to stay in S but illegal to leave the country. We were told (after many phone-calls and brain scrambling conversations) that our only option was:

Plan 2 - Go to U province (4 hrs), then to Laos and back (1 hr), then do Plan 1 again (4 hrs) 

This would be exhausting, very expensive, time wasting and still risky at every step. We may even end up stuck in Laos. Yet we were told it was the only option. We prayed hard as we drove to U. I mobilised my prayer groups, desperate for a way out of this awful mess. Prayers rose together as people across the world stood with us.

At U we first had to stop by our staff worker's house to collect paperwork on the way to Immigration. She is also a good friend. As she tried to piece together the complexities of what had happened and why, and what our options were, she seemed imbued with peace and wisdom. She insisted on going to Immigration with us. She had plan 3 in mind:

Plan 3 - Do not go to Laos but live in 2 provinces until papers are received for S. 
She went in, all calm and confident. She laid out our dilemma and asked the officials what to do. They suggested another way:

Plan 4 - Do not go to Laos. Continue legally in S. Oh and no more border runs.
Our jaws dropped open. From the mouth of those who had the power to arrest us, fine us, or just make life plain unbearable for us, came the miracle that was Plan 4. A plan we never knew existed, or was possible. A plan which allows us to remain where God has led us, with minimal paperwork, expense, time and energy expenditure. A plan only God could have engineered.

My last post was about spiritual warfare. It seems strange to the western mindset that red tape and visa bureaucracy is an issue of spiritual warfare. The past 2 days have proved otherwise. He loves to answer the united cries of His children. He foils the plans of the enemy. He not only shut the mouths of lions for us, but opened their mouths to tell us His answer.

But I believe there was more God was after here than sorting our visa problems, or even showing us His power. He has always been after the character of our heart. That is why James gives us the upside-down wisdom to "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colours. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work in you so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way" (James 1:2-4 MSG)
God created us with such purpose! It's not about me or my problems, but about learning to be like Him. He wants me mature and complete, lacking nothing!  I know I'm not alone in facing issues and problems in these days. They are a sheer gift, if we will only let them do their work in us. Will you join me in thanking Him for them? Will you open your heart, and let Him do the hard work?

Learning to fight

Surin province, now our home,
borders northern Cambodia and consists of three prominent people groups. The majority people group is the Northern Khmer (ethnic Cambodians), Lao, and Kuy. Each people group has its own language, culture, and spiritual customs. The three groups live primarily in harmony and peace, and use Thai as the common trade language.

Because each of these people groups have been living on this land for hundreds of years, their lives have intertwined and the lines of language and culture that would normally divide and distinguish these people groups has blurred, leaving many people intermarried, speaking several or all of the languages. The negative impact of this unity has been the bringing together of three dark belief systems and demonic spiritual practices, as none of these people groups have ever experienced a significant move of God. 

So the Northern Khmer have contributed their dark magic arts, including curses, spells and potions; mixed in with traditional Buddhist beliefs and practices.

The Lao/Isaan have contributed animistic Buddhism, including ancestor worship, spirit doctors, fortune telling, and worship of territorial spirits.

The Kuy have contributed ancient animism, including the worship of wild elephant spirits. They believe that by wearing different parts of the elephant as jewellery, they receive some of the power of the elephant to protect them from weaker evil spirits that may try and attack their life.

At a recent Khmer festival, neighbours go around each house,
inviting the spirits to come and reside there. 

The unholy unity of these three dark forces have combined to form a potent mix unlike any other in Isaan. The fruit of darkness is a snowball effect of sin breaking the lives of the Surin people. 

How does all of this affect our daily lives? Satan is intimidated by us living here as lights in a dark land. He does all he can to intimidate us in return, and attacks have come day in and day out, in various shapes and sizes. It can come as a strange joylessness, trouble sleeping for no reason, heavy discouragement, an inability to pray, problems with our homes, mis-communication, strange attacks from people we had a good relationship-building encounter with, sadness and pain coming to mind when it is time to pray, or overt attacks where an evil spirit tried to overcome me while I slept and prevented me from praying out loud (this only lasted very briefly - I prayed and worshipped in my spirit and the evil spirit had to leave). 

While this is the first time we are experiencing some of these things, none of them are new or intimidating to God. Against all these types of attack, the armour of God is powerful. We are learning what it means to put it on everyday. Learning to pray together everyday, to pray in the Spirit and in song when we don't have words, pray through every part of our houses and declare the authority of Jesus after each time we leave for a few days. The Word is full of powerful truths, they really are the sword of the Spirit. We need to know them and use them, and they do set us free. 

2 Cor 12: 9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.

Please pray with us that the glory of God would penetrate the darkness and bring light to Surin. Pray also for our protection and growing intimacy with God. Only by being filled with His Spirit will we be able to stand, and to move forward in building His kingdom. 

A year's worth of life in a month

I'm pretty sure I've doubled the number of gray hairs on my head in the past month. 

I always thought I had a grateful heart and a positive attitude. Clearly I like to think the best of myself. :)  In his wisdom, God answered my prayer to show me my heart as He sees it and make my heart more like His. I always knew it was a dangerous prayer. 

A month ago I got here and before I could catch my breath I was met with nasty shocks. Circumstantial messes, Satan's kicks and punches, the depth of loss I felt, and my own reaction to it all left me flailing helplessly, floundering. In the stress and busyness it was easy not to carve out time. Precious time. Struggling to keep head over water, I flailed harder. Not surprisingly, it didn't work too well. "You're nothing but a failure", the enemy whispered. "Real missionaries would never find these things hard". Kicks are easily delivered when you're already down. 

Audrey Assad sings in this song:

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

I'm one to whom swimming doesn't come easy, and this 'almost drowning' should have reminded me to let go and float.  When you float, you are carried by the very water you have been fighting to stay up in.  Father had His ways.  He reminded me.  As a team we realised we needed to pray together everyday.  I realised I needed to stop, to process and to cry the sticky salty tears with Daddy.  

I was given a book by a dear friend, which is teaching me to cultivate gratitude. It's called 'One Thousand Gifts'. I am reminded that showers of gifts are always coming from Daddy's hand.  It is in my ability to find them, to count them that I can be still, and can find joy.  Challenged to actually list 1000 gifts around me, I am forced to slow down.  As I stop rushing past His gifts and stop taking them for granted, I find I have new eyes.  Finally I begin to float, I see Him all around me in the very circumstances I was struggling against, Him loving me, carrying me.  

 These are some of my 1000 gifts :)

This is what I have been asking for - to be carried higher, go deeper, know Him better.  'Singing in the storm' and 'dancing in the rain' are great ideas... but it can be a process to get there. I like happiness, security, comfort as much as the next person.  Us Christians, we feel we have to be superheroes.  (Missionaries even more so). But it turns out we're faltering, weak. Grief will hurt, changes will challenge, pain isn't a party.  Lamenting is good and right and necessary.  And through the lament, we are held in the arms of Mighty God.  

As we go through the grief of difficult seasons, it becomes soul fertiliser for the next season.  So I'm accepting difficulty, faced with weakness, brought to stillness.  I'm coming through to gratitude and re-finding the joy that I am called to.  

For anyone out there who could do with a little encouragement today, here is A Pep Talk.  The kid speaks truth - "I took the road less travelled... AND IT HURT, MAN!" Haha. 

"If we're all on the same team, let's start acting like it. We've got work to do. We can cry about it, or we can dance about it. You were made to be awesome. Let's get out there!"