Seeing through the smoke

 It is the season of stubble burning in Isaan. Rice farmers are busy clearing their fields from the stalks of the last crop by burning them, before preparing the ground to plant the new crop. In many ways this is similar to what must happen in my heart in this season of transition. After two and a half years here in Ubon, I am on the brink of yet another transition as I prepare to move with a smaller group to Surin.

I told God that my life has had more than its fair share of transition. Yet God assures me, none is a mistake; every goodbye and every hello has been overseen by Him, planned by Him and borne fruit for Him. Yet these transitions do not get easier with each progressive move. I just hope I get better in dealing with the practical stress and emotional turmoil involved.

"All my life I have been changing... Everybody has to change, or they expire. I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently" ~ Donald Miller

I am challenged by the idea of keeping my soul fertile by letting things die so that new things can be born in me. Even though life is full of transitions, and even though I know this transition has been carefully planned and ordained for my good by Father God, I am not all that keen on the reality of leaving so many friends who have become family here, handing over ministries I have started and poured myself into, packing up all my belongings and starting everything all over again with a new group of people.

Amy Young writes, "Part of keeping your soul fertile is awareness. Awareness of the kind of person you want to be. Awareness that it is possible to let certain parts die and plant new ones. Awareness that fertile can look fallow on the surface. Awareness that it is hard to let parts of yourself die, but it is necessary. Awareness that you may need to leave to stay you".  This awareness is what I call 'seeing through the smoke'.

It is hard, yet it is possible to do it with grace, if I am holding Daddy God's hand throughout. It is worthwhile if I will let things burn, and allow God to prepare the ground for a new crop. Yes, I want a fertile soul. As I meditate on Psalm 23, I tell God I want to be a sheep who is able to let roles or pastures or flocks go, while following the Shepherd to new ones.

Faces that tell stories

My life here is full of beautiful faces - faces that tell stories. I rarely get a chance to introduce you to them, so here they are some of the ones I have on my heart, some lost sisters Jesus is pursuing...

Meet Aunty Tee

She has a chronic kidney problem and is currently very unwell. She opened her life to us and took us to see her fields when we met her in Surin on a survey trip. Through a word of knowledge which came to Raksaa on our team (in the black and white striped top), we learned that her illness was caused not by a physical problem but a spiritual one. She has black magic in her family line and hosted that evil spirit in her home (on the advice of the fortune teller). She decided that day to ask Creator God to be Lord of her life, and to command the evil spirits to leave. She did it in her own words, without me leading her. I have never seen anyone so open, so obedient and so bold in all my time here in Isaan. 

We fully expected her to be completely healed. But from phone conversations (she lives 4 hrs away), we know she is still unwell. The last time I spoke to her she was able to confirm (as Raksaa had already believed) that she has evil spirits residing in her body that we did not cast out that day. Over the phone I told her of when Jesus cast out the spirits in the demon possessed man with a word. She and I prayed over the phone for complete deliverance. Besides spiritual attack, she is facing opposition to God from her family.  

Lord Almighty, show Yourself mighty in power, mighty to save, and mighty to heal in Aunty Tee - and through her, to her household and community.  

Meet Jingjai ('Genuine') 

 She is 18 and just finished school. We met her while prayer walking through her village, where we teach English weekly. We shared the gospel and she seemed genuinely interested, true to her name! She asked about how to pray, and we prayed for her upcoming exams. A month or so later, we saw her again. I asked if she had prayed any more, and to my surprise, she said that yes, she had prayed in the exam room. And that she was the only one who had passed that exam. No one understood why.
God of surprises, keep surprising her with your goodness!

Meet Jenny and her Mum

Jenny is the grand-daughter of a Catholic missionary. She shared that ever since she was little, she has always sensed God's presence in churches rather than temples. Her Mum describes herself as a 'Buddhist Christian'. Every Sunday we meet in their home, and Jenny's Mum goes around her village inviting her neighbours and relatives to come and hear God's stories. They clearly have great respect for her in the community. Many have come (albeit inconsistently) because of her invitation to her home. We tell chronological Bible stories and pray for the Spirit to work in hearts. This week, Jenny came prayer-walking with us in another village. Apparently it was fun! She is understandably mixed-up in her beliefs, but her heart is wide open. She prayed for friends, and God sent us.
God with us, be Immanuel in this household to reach their village.

Meet Waen ('ring')

Waen lives in my neighbourhood. We have occasionally gone on walks or runs or played badminton in the street. Each time we talk a lot. She is also 18, and has also just finished school. Waen has a curious mind, and always asks inquiring questions about everything, including my life and my faith. She is one I would love to invest in more, but is shortly moving elsewhere for University. Like any teenager, she is looking for answers and looking for love.
God of love, be the answer to all her questions. Send her a friend who can lead her to you. 

Finally, Aunty Uu

I met her the day we moved into this house - when I went down the road looking for something. I didn't expect to find my Thai Mum! Since then I have visited her almost every week. She cooks up a storm each time I go :) I've shared my testimony with her, the gospel, given her a Bible, pray with her each week, and she has come to my house church once and been impacted by a word of knowledge. Yet she remains largely uninterested in Jesus, and fervently Buddhist. I wondered whether to stop going. Eventually it dawned on me that Aunty Uu is God's gift to me, just to bless me by caring for me. She hugs me and cooks for me, listens and laughs with me and answers endless questions about language and culture with understanding, patience and wisdom. She is truly a gift.
Giver of every good gift, care for her deepest needs, bless her with the gifts only You can! 

Snapshots of Surin

We pray in each district we visit (this time with a Cambodian team), realising it is probably the first time God has been worshipped there, maybe ever. 

Lady selling betel-nut. 

Khmer (Cambodian) style architecture
on the temple gate

Shelling tamarind with a family while 'gossiping the gospel'

The ancestors spirits just entered this new house
... hence the ladder

On a survey trip, we primarily have three aims:
To worship & pray in areas with no churches, 
to meet with families in villages and learn
about Khmer Surin culture, sharing hope as 
we have the opportunity. 

I am collecting Scriptures that I regularly pray
over Surin. One of these is Mal 1:11,14

"My name will be great among the nations, 
from the rising to the setting of the sun. For I
am a great King, and my name is to be feared
among the nations."

A gorgeous view from a hilltop temple (Me with Judah Tong)

How Isaan kids occupy themselves when the adults are out
- making roofing!

This is a city shrine to the wild elephant spirit. The ropes of bondage are what is being worshipped.

This man used to be a believer, a long time ago. Here I have encouraged him to return to God,
and he has just downloaded a Bible App on his phone. Pray for this family.

Trendy: Supernatural dolls called 'Angel Child'

My encounter with the 'look thep'.

On a recent trip to Bangkok, I saw a lady cradling a baby-sized doll in her lap. I wondered what it could possibly be for. Then while boarding the plane, the lady in front of me was carrying a doll, just as you might carry a baby. I’d heard of dolls that are given to teenage girls in the UK to mimic actual babies, intended to put them off unwanted pregnancy. But these women seemed too old for that...

I asked the lady in front of me and she laughed nervously. “It’s an angel doll”, she said, “it’s what we believe in”. Curious, I asked more questions. “If you look after it like your child, it helps your business”, she said. I told my Thai Christian friend who was flying with me and she was shocked and repulsed. “It’s an evil spirit inside the doll!” she exclaimed. But she had never seen anything like it before. “Satan never rests”, she said, “he is always thinking up new ways to deceive people."

What are they?

The luk thep, or angel child dolls are a new religious trend that is now all over the news and social media. They cost from 2,000 baht (£40) to 20,000 baht (£400), and were popularised by celebrities who claimed dressing up and feeding the figurines had brought them success. Doll-mania has since swept up the superstitious, with adults bringing the figures to Buddhist ceremonies, restaurants and even on planes, where they are even issued seats and served refreshments. Thai media published a leaked airline memo that defined the "child angels" as "a doll that is alive".

What do Thais think and why? 

A doll painted with holy gold sheets in its eyes and
 mouth. They were applied in rituals by Buddhist monks. 

While adherents believe the dolls hold children's spirits which bring good luck, wealth, blessing and protection from harm, there are many Thais who also ridicule the craze. A (Buddhist) girl I know started talking about how crazy people are to “take the bad thing and the evil thing, and call it a good thing”. She knows that while the angel doll trend only started last year, the practice has roots in the ancient occult worship of preserved stillborn/aborted foetuses thought to contain a child's spirit. While the lady on the plane told me “this is what Thai Buddhists believe”, this other girl was aghast at how fellow Buddhists could be so foolish. 

What are they really? 

A friend in Bangkok shared this story:

This incident occurred at a church member’s restaurant.  A customer had come into the restaurant for lunch, and with them they brought their  “look thep”.  They ordered their meal and also ordered a separate meal for their doll. After ordering, the customer tells her “look thep” to go ahead and go run around the restaurant while they waited for the food.  Not long after, one of the waitresses starts acting funny, like a child.  She starts running around the restaurant and then goes to ask another server for some red Fanta. **(Spirits are known to like red Fanta as offerings.) The fellow server gives the waitress water instead. At this point, the waitress is not happy, and it becomes evident that something is wrong with her.  Another worker at the restaurant, who is a Christian, recognizes that the waitress is being possessed by an evil spirit a.k.a. the “look thep”.  This Christian worker then prays and rebukes the evil spirit and it leaves the waitress. After the spirit leaves the waitress, she loses all strength and just folds to the floor, vomiting.  Soon after, other (Buddhist) employees gather round the waitress and hang a necklace with an amulet (Buddha) around her neck for “protection”.  She should’ve been fine, but to their shock the spirit re-entered the waitress a second time. Now, the Christian owner of the restaurant steps in, prays to rebuke the spirit not only out of the waitress but out of the restaurant completely. These “look thep” dolls are actually a deceptively glorified version of an old Thai practice — the worship of evil spirits made 'cuter'. Though many Buddhist monks have participated in blessing or praying spirits into these dolls, one monk interestingly said, “Don’t you think it funny that Thailand has come to the point of bowing down to dolls and asking for their blessing?”    Why are they popular? Although more than 90% of Thais identify as Buddhist, the country's Buddhism is known for its syncretism, comfortably blending many animist and Hindu traditions into daily worship. The ‘Angel Child’ doll is only one of a whole array of gods in their belief system, along with items on their ‘god shelf' at home, amulets, images and incantations around their neck, on their body and in their car. All are hoped to be a quick-fix to life's difficulties, especially in times of struggling economy and ongoing political instability. This desire also provides insatiable demand for fortune tellers, astrologers, spiritists, etc. in Thai society. The 'look thep' is just a glimpse, a symptom of desperation.  How do we pray? My friend and I spent the rest of the plane journey praying for Thailand. The spiritual battle is strong, strong enough to blind and trap religious Thais into worshipping evil spirits by disguising it as an innocent doll.  As unbelievable as this whole trend may be, the Apostle Paul wrote, “But I am not surprised! Even Satan can disguise himself as an angel of light. (2 Cor. 11:14)”  Thai people are inherently spiritual and have a strong faith, but that faith is so misplaced from Jesus, the true Light of life. Yes they are desperate, but not desperate enough! They want a god they can add to their shelf, who will play by their rules. The think the darkness is light.   "But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away." (2 Cor 3:14)  May the people who walk in the darkness see the great Light, may the veil be taken away.  May the power of the Holy Spirit demolish demonic strongholds.  May the Kingdom of Heaven break into the darkness and be established forever.  Sources:  http://www.bangkokpost.com/photo/photo/838584/child-angel-dolls-cute-or-scary-religious-or-ridiculous http://www.bangkokpost.com/opinion/opinion/839964/looking-trendy-but-stupid http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/general/840180/angel-doll-vendors-busted-for-tax-evasion http://us10.campaign-archive1.com/?u=9642cfdcf81881885e0bc891e&id=9d9ce0474c&e=aab159e999

Surin - the jigsaw comes together

How could I be called to the Isaan people... but also the Cambodians?  

In 2007 I first had a clear sense of my long term calling to overseas mission and specifically to unreached people in Southeast Asia. Then in 2010 I felt sure that He had called me to serve in Cambodia. Only in 2013 did I realise through my appointment with Pioneers, that Cambodians were now considered a 'reached' people group - meaning the local church had grown large and strong enough to reach its own people. And unexpectedly, as I turned my attention to the unreached people groups in Isaan, Thailand I had a strange peace that this was right too. Everyone seemed in agreement and my own spirit confirmed it. It felt right. I didn't understand the whole Cambodia thing - had it been a mistake?

Surin (red), in relation to Isaan (orange) and Thailand.

Since coming to Isaan in 2013, I spent the first year learning Thai language full time. The second year I was starting to be more involved in ministry with less time in language learning, all the while praying about our team vision - where did God want me to go within Isaan? Our team vision includes splitting into 5 smaller teams for 5 of the least reached provinces within Isaan. Of the 5, I have leaned towards 1 called Surin ever since I came, because it borders Cambodia. Last year it looked like there was a team coming together to work there, then everything fell through and I was back to square one.

But as we prayed, God was working. When I returned in October this year after my first home assignment, I met a family who has just joined our team here. They are called the Tongs - a Cambodian man (Koeun) married to an American lady (Danielle) and 2 very cute kids aged 3 and 5. They came to Isaan specifically to minister to the Surin people group. As soon as I met them, I sensed a spiritual and personality 'click' that I haven't had until this point with anyone in the team. I said to Danielle after our first proper (3 hr) chat, that she was the answer to my prayers - God had sent someone really on the same page, a good fit for me to minister on a small team with. The more I have got to know the family since then, the more I feel they are a good fit for me to work with.

The Tongs, with me and a missionary we met in Surin 

That very day, I also discovered a Ministry Plan I'd written back in 2013 when I first came - and it said on it that long term I was headed to the Surin province. That was geographical confirmation. Even the style of ministry I'd written about on that Plan fitted exactly the style Danielle had talked about using. Only God could do this!

As excitement built however, fear also built. Surin is well known for 2 things in Thailand - elephants, and black magic. Thai people I talked to started sowing seeds of fear - "If you go to Surin, be careful, it's dangerous". Black magic spells and potions aren't fantasy in Surin, they are reality, and are responsible for controlling and destroying many lives. Then there was the local language - "It's so different from Thai. It's going to be such hard work. Do you even want to bother?"... the voices in my head went. Khmer-Surin people speak a mixture of Thai and Khmer (Cambodian). It really makes no sense to me at all when I hear it. They usually speak Thai too, but their heart language is not Thai.

On a survey trip, meeting people following nudges of the Spirit

Without my realising, these internal fears built. Until one day, they erupted in my quiet time. As I poured it all out to God, He spoke many words to me - clear, strong affirmations that brought with them great peace. That is what I needed. The same week, several different and unrelated people gave me words about dispelling fear. It also made sense of the words I had received at Hope Church before I left. Fearlessness was to be part of my calling, and I didn't have to conjure it up. He is giving and will give it to me, over and over He spoke it.

Since then I have been to Surin 3 times on Survey trips. Each time we have sensed His presence. There has been no fear. We see Him leading our footsteps. And I see him preparing people to work together. A couple on my team is also prayerfully considering joining this team. Again it is a good fit. Better than any of us could have engineered.

On a survey trip - praying through districts with no churches

Surin is hard ground. There is thick darkness there. But the light shines brightest in those places, and I am hopeful. I have always struggled with the not knowing - the uncertainty about my next step. Wanting to know and worrying about whether I will hear God when He speaks. What a comfort to be reminded that when He speaks, it is always in a way we will understand. It is always for our good. And His words come with the power to accomplish them! I am hopeful, I am expectant. Most of all, I am amazed at our good, good Father. All along, he was calling me both to the Cambodians, and to the Isaan. Who would have thought it - I am called to the Cambodian Isaan - the 'Khmer Surin', and with a bunch of great people that God is even now bringing together!

For a video made by the Tongs on the Khmer-Surin people, click here.

Wales vs. Isaan

Living overseas means life is constantly throwing up contrasts and comparisons. Spending 2 years here, then returning to Wales for 3 months and then coming back here has felt a little like living two lives, in two different worlds. So I thought it was rather appropriate that on my return to Thailand I had to report to Immigration within 24 hours that 'the alien' has taken up residence again. :)

It can be disorientating for us aliens as we shuttle back and forth between our worlds, often feeling like the only thing certain is Uncertainty. So humour me as I use this blog post to process some of my thoughts in a match usually commentated only in my head.

How Wales is hard to beat	Why Isaan is awesome
I can hug my Mum.  My brother makes me laugh till I cry.  My church family remind me how to pray.  I can enjoy hot baths and snuggle in a duvet.  Roast dinner… mmm… enough said.  I can go for long walks.  People think it’s normal to drink tea my way.  I can string sentences together, read and write without even trying.  I can flush toilet paper.	Eating out is cheap as chips… or cheaper.  You can wear T-shirts and shorts in winter.  Mangoes and sticky rice… mmm…  I can chill in my hammock outside at night.  Planning meals is easy – it’s always rice.  My team are amazing and diverse.  House church reminds me that simple is effective, and engagement isn’t optional.  2 hours in the sun makes laundry bone dry.
But then…
It’s almost always windy, raining or both.  Idols are everywhere - money, entertainment, independence, comfort...  Everything costs 2-10 times as much.  The sea is always too cold to swim in, even in summer.  You can’t get stuff fixed, you have to get a new one  You have to wait ages for laundry to dry.	Idols and spirit shrines are everywhere.  They speak 2 languages, neither of which is English.  You’re covered in sweat by the time you get dressed from the shower.  Cockroaches crawl out of the sink.  Mosquito and ant bites are no fun.   Watching TV isn't relaxing.  Driving hazards keep the adrenaline flowing.

I consider myself truly blessed to be able to live in two worlds - but I am surer than ever that I am here in Isaan because God wants me here. Since getting back, I have hit the ground running. I'm grateful that this time round, I can speak the language fairly well, have good Thai friends and can plug into various ministries where God has opened doors. But so as not to rush into things, and to re-orientate myself, I have taken this week to wait on God.

Lord, thank you for the unique way you have wired each of us. Please show us the passions you have placed in us, and lead us into all you have purposed, to bear fruit for your kingdom in the particular way that only I can bear. Wherever you have placed us, help us to know, more than ever, that we are hidden in your heart. Help us to follow your heartbeat.       Amen. 

Travels with Jesus

I have been blessed to be able to go away with my family, attend my brother's graduation, attend Focus conference with the Mariners church family, and meet with my Pioneers UK leaders for a time of debriefing, among many other things. There has already been a lot of travelling since I've been back, and there is more to come. 

While it is a joy to see so many of you in this way, and I am utterly thankful to God for providing a car (my old car, no less!) I was not looking forward to travelling alone. That was when Daddy reminded me that I will not be alone. Jesus will be in the plane and in the car with me. And so it has become a joy. 


Isn't that a life lesson for all of us? I am realising that Satan would like nothing better than for us to be bound by fear - fear of what will or won't happen, never-ending "What ifs" hanging over us like ominous clouds, stealing the joy of the present moment. And yet Jesus longs for us to simply trust Him. He has always been faithful. 

Time and again I have been like Martha, "worried and concerned about many things" because is my limited understanding and imagination, I don't know how things are going to turn out tomorrow. In my attempts to control what I cannot control, I lose today's joy in worrying about tomorrow, only to find that tomorrow is in Daddy's hands and I needn't have worried. That's not to say everything will always be easy. But there is always enough grace. 

There are so many testimonies of how Daddy's taking care of me at the moment. One that I want to share is an answered prayer. I had shared a concern with a group of friends from my home church and they had covered the need in prayer - the need for a ministry partner in the coming months. The very next day I received a text message from a team member in Ubon, saying she can't wait for me to come back so that we can do a particular ministry together! How good is our Father?