Seeing through the smoke

 It is the season of stubble burning in Isaan. Rice farmers are busy clearing their fields from the stalks of the last crop by burning them, before preparing the ground to plant the new crop. In many ways this is similar to what must happen in my heart in this season of transition. After two and a half years here in Ubon, I am on the brink of yet another transition as I prepare to move with a smaller group to Surin.

I told God that my life has had more than its fair share of transition. Yet God assures me, none is a mistake; every goodbye and every hello has been overseen by Him, planned by Him and borne fruit for Him. Yet these transitions do not get easier with each progressive move. I just hope I get better in dealing with the practical stress and emotional turmoil involved.

"All my life I have been changing... Everybody has to change, or they expire. I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently" ~ Donald Miller

I am challenged by the idea of keeping my soul fertile by letting things die so that new things can be born in me. Even though life is full of transitions, and even though I know this transition has been carefully planned and ordained for my good by Father God, I am not all that keen on the reality of leaving so many friends who have become family here, handing over ministries I have started and poured myself into, packing up all my belongings and starting everything all over again with a new group of people.

Amy Young writes, "Part of keeping your soul fertile is awareness. Awareness of the kind of person you want to be. Awareness that it is possible to let certain parts die and plant new ones. Awareness that fertile can look fallow on the surface. Awareness that it is hard to let parts of yourself die, but it is necessary. Awareness that you may need to leave to stay you".  This awareness is what I call 'seeing through the smoke'.

It is hard, yet it is possible to do it with grace, if I am holding Daddy God's hand throughout. It is worthwhile if I will let things burn, and allow God to prepare the ground for a new crop. Yes, I want a fertile soul. As I meditate on Psalm 23, I tell God I want to be a sheep who is able to let roles or pastures or flocks go, while following the Shepherd to new ones.