A year's worth of life in a month

I'm pretty sure I've doubled the number of gray hairs on my head in the past month. 

I always thought I had a grateful heart and a positive attitude. Clearly I like to think the best of myself. :)  In his wisdom, God answered my prayer to show me my heart as He sees it and make my heart more like His. I always knew it was a dangerous prayer. 

A month ago I got here and before I could catch my breath I was met with nasty shocks. Circumstantial messes, Satan's kicks and punches, the depth of loss I felt, and my own reaction to it all left me flailing helplessly, floundering. In the stress and busyness it was easy not to carve out time. Precious time. Struggling to keep head over water, I flailed harder. Not surprisingly, it didn't work too well. "You're nothing but a failure", the enemy whispered. "Real missionaries would never find these things hard". Kicks are easily delivered when you're already down. 

Audrey Assad sings in this song:

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

I'm one to whom swimming doesn't come easy, and this 'almost drowning' should have reminded me to let go and float.  When you float, you are carried by the very water you have been fighting to stay up in.  Father had His ways.  He reminded me.  As a team we realised we needed to pray together everyday.  I realised I needed to stop, to process and to cry the sticky salty tears with Daddy.  

I was given a book by a dear friend, which is teaching me to cultivate gratitude. It's called 'One Thousand Gifts'. I am reminded that showers of gifts are always coming from Daddy's hand.  It is in my ability to find them, to count them that I can be still, and can find joy.  Challenged to actually list 1000 gifts around me, I am forced to slow down.  As I stop rushing past His gifts and stop taking them for granted, I find I have new eyes.  Finally I begin to float, I see Him all around me in the very circumstances I was struggling against, Him loving me, carrying me.  

 These are some of my 1000 gifts :)

This is what I have been asking for - to be carried higher, go deeper, know Him better.  'Singing in the storm' and 'dancing in the rain' are great ideas... but it can be a process to get there. I like happiness, security, comfort as much as the next person.  Us Christians, we feel we have to be superheroes.  (Missionaries even more so). But it turns out we're faltering, weak. Grief will hurt, changes will challenge, pain isn't a party.  Lamenting is good and right and necessary.  And through the lament, we are held in the arms of Mighty God.  

As we go through the grief of difficult seasons, it becomes soul fertiliser for the next season.  So I'm accepting difficulty, faced with weakness, brought to stillness.  I'm coming through to gratitude and re-finding the joy that I am called to.  

For anyone out there who could do with a little encouragement today, here is A Pep Talk.  The kid speaks truth - "I took the road less travelled... AND IT HURT, MAN!" Haha. 

"If we're all on the same team, let's start acting like it. We've got work to do. We can cry about it, or we can dance about it. You were made to be awesome. Let's get out there!" 

Starting again, again

One of the most stressful experiences ever... so they say about this house moving ordeal. 

But I’ve done it 20 times before… So why is this time so hard? 

I’d said my goodbyes well, cried and prayed through it all

Packed my life into umpteen boxes, even read about handling transition.

Moving day came and the boxes were loaded. Furniture covered to keep off rain. 

As a team family we drove in convoy to our new homes. Anticipation. Trepidation. 

As we pulled in, "What is that stink?

Let’s hope it’s temporary!" we said.

In we went, finding the house swept clean

But the kitchen ceiling on the floor.

My heart sank as I mentally listed

All the issues I had to get fixed

This would be no easy unpacking

No hitting the ground running. 

"I can't do this", I cried 

I'm not the living alone kind."

I was thankful for friends and their help

But dreaded the goodbyes to come. 

Workmen came and went

It got worse and then better,

Then worse, then better

I wonder what the new normal is.

Apparently Satan wasn't happy 

sniping at our heels

With a stinking house, a collapsed ceiling

and to top it off, a scratched car.

As dear friends went back home

My emotions tooks a battering 

I'm so grateful for team

A family who will stay

I know I am flexible, I usually adapt well. 

But I left a full schedule of work and fun

To knowing no-one and living alone… 

and this time for the long haul. 

Whom do I trust?  And how do I talk? 

Where do I buy shelves; and when will this end?

It's just the beginning, I remind myself. Another beginning. 

And Father who was Lord in Ubon, He is still Lord in Sangkha. 

When He calls me to do hard things, He supplies the strength. 

When my heart is fearful and shaky, His love is steadfast. 

Nope, I definitely can't do this on my own.
Not I but Christ within me, the hope of glory. 

Neither can I do it as the Nam I was before. 

I need Him much more than ever before.
I need to go deeper. To seek harder. 

To find who He wants me to be, in this new beginning. 

Uprooted but under control

Just like our poor mango tree, I went to sleep last night blissfully unaware of what was going to happen this morning. Apparently there was a storm last night. I'm told it was pretty bad. Apparently the tree came down before 5 am. But as today was my day off and I did not set an alarm, no storm was going to wake me! I remained soundly sleep while all the neighbours worried, explored, took photos and wondered where we were.




By 9 am, our landlord had already been notified (complete with multiple pictures) by the neighbours, and men with chainsaws were ready to start hacking through the tree to rescue my car, which the eagle-eyed among you may have spotted under the tree above! At this point they finally shouted for me and I jumped out of bed, got dressed and went out to be greeted by this sight. I didn't understand why everyone was so calm and even jovial about it, I guess they had had hours to get over the initial shock! Erin then comes out, saying she had been awake since 7 am, only she'd had headphones in!! While she talked to the landlord, I phoned my insurance company.














Within the hour, the whole tree was chopped up and my car emerged... unscathed! I was almost afraid to believe it, it hardly seemed possible. If it had falled a few degrees to the left, our house would've had a tree embedded in it. A few degrees to the right and my car would have been totalled. God knew it was going to go, and He sent it along the one safe line - 10 degrees out of 360! Soon after that, I was told the neighbour 'Uncle' had called for a truck from the local council - it arrived blaring my favourite Thai song. It felt more like a party than a disaster, as they piled the bits of tree into the truck.

Just as people finally dispersed and I put the kettle on for tea I heard neighbour Aunty sweeping the leaves outside the house. I realised with a sinking feeling that tea, breakfast, a shower would all have to wait. We had looked lazy enough getting out of bed late. So as she opened the gate and came in complete with broom and black bin-bags, we sheepishly went back out, got our brooms and started the clean-up of our garden, drive and street. That was when Aunty said, "Your God really protected you! We may not believe it, but we can see it's true." Praise Him!! Amazing Father!

A trip to the insurance company was next - they would cover any damage. However, the trip to the garage confirmed there was no damage except minor scratches! So I decided a proper clean was in order, as the car had had a rough day...
By 2 pm, there it was, shining in the sun boasting of God's protection. The scratches will just remind me of my Dad's love. How appropriate that yesterday was Father's Day. Instead of me giving Him a gift, He gave me one! A gift so amazing that all the neighbours want to buy lottery tickets with my registration number... I tell them they'd be better off just asking for God's blessing!


Now I thought this was the end of the tree-car saga. I went to show a friend the scratches and ask him if he thought I should do anything about them. Driving back to the house at 5 pm, I found Uncle there, machete in hand, hacking away at the stump. Apparently it just couldn't be left there. This of course turned into another community event, as 2 other men joined the effort to pull out the stump. By 6:30 pm with a lot of hacking and pulling on the count of 1,2,3; it was out! I thanked him with some money and fruit (instead of the whiskey and cigarettes he asked for) and praised God for the end of the story, at least for today.

Never a dull moment. A couple of weeks ago, we think the house was struck by lightning. We bought a new router. Life goes on. ;)

Seeing through the smoke

 It is the season of stubble burning in Isaan. Rice farmers are busy clearing their fields from the stalks of the last crop by burning them, before preparing the ground to plant the new crop. In many ways this is similar to what must happen in my heart in this season of transition. After two and a half years here in Ubon, I am on the brink of yet another transition as I prepare to move with a smaller group to Surin.

I told God that my life has had more than its fair share of transition. Yet God assures me, none is a mistake; every goodbye and every hello has been overseen by Him, planned by Him and borne fruit for Him. Yet these transitions do not get easier with each progressive move. I just hope I get better in dealing with the practical stress and emotional turmoil involved.

"All my life I have been changing... Everybody has to change, or they expire. I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently" ~ Donald Miller

I am challenged by the idea of keeping my soul fertile by letting things die so that new things can be born in me. Even though life is full of transitions, and even though I know this transition has been carefully planned and ordained for my good by Father God, I am not all that keen on the reality of leaving so many friends who have become family here, handing over ministries I have started and poured myself into, packing up all my belongings and starting everything all over again with a new group of people.

Amy Young writes, "Part of keeping your soul fertile is awareness. Awareness of the kind of person you want to be. Awareness that it is possible to let certain parts die and plant new ones. Awareness that fertile can look fallow on the surface. Awareness that it is hard to let parts of yourself die, but it is necessary. Awareness that you may need to leave to stay you".  This awareness is what I call 'seeing through the smoke'.

It is hard, yet it is possible to do it with grace, if I am holding Daddy God's hand throughout. It is worthwhile if I will let things burn, and allow God to prepare the ground for a new crop. Yes, I want a fertile soul. As I meditate on Psalm 23, I tell God I want to be a sheep who is able to let roles or pastures or flocks go, while following the Shepherd to new ones.

Faces that tell stories

My life here is full of beautiful faces - faces that tell stories. I rarely get a chance to introduce you to them, so here they are some of the ones I have on my heart, some lost sisters Jesus is pursuing...

Meet Aunty Tee

She has a chronic kidney problem and is currently very unwell. She opened her life to us and took us to see her fields when we met her in Surin on a survey trip. Through a word of knowledge which came to Raksaa on our team (in the black and white striped top), we learned that her illness was caused not by a physical problem but a spiritual one. She has black magic in her family line and hosted that evil spirit in her home (on the advice of the fortune teller). She decided that day to ask Creator God to be Lord of her life, and to command the evil spirits to leave. She did it in her own words, without me leading her. I have never seen anyone so open, so obedient and so bold in all my time here in Isaan. 

We fully expected her to be completely healed. But from phone conversations (she lives 4 hrs away), we know she is still unwell. The last time I spoke to her she was able to confirm (as Raksaa had already believed) that she has evil spirits residing in her body that we did not cast out that day. Over the phone I told her of when Jesus cast out the spirits in the demon possessed man with a word. She and I prayed over the phone for complete deliverance. Besides spiritual attack, she is facing opposition to God from her family.  

Lord Almighty, show Yourself mighty in power, mighty to save, and mighty to heal in Aunty Tee - and through her, to her household and community.  

Meet Jingjai ('Genuine') 

 She is 18 and just finished school. We met her while prayer walking through her village, where we teach English weekly. We shared the gospel and she seemed genuinely interested, true to her name! She asked about how to pray, and we prayed for her upcoming exams. A month or so later, we saw her again. I asked if she had prayed any more, and to my surprise, she said that yes, she had prayed in the exam room. And that she was the only one who had passed that exam. No one understood why.
God of surprises, keep surprising her with your goodness!

Meet Jenny and her Mum

Jenny is the grand-daughter of a Catholic missionary. She shared that ever since she was little, she has always sensed God's presence in churches rather than temples. Her Mum describes herself as a 'Buddhist Christian'. Every Sunday we meet in their home, and Jenny's Mum goes around her village inviting her neighbours and relatives to come and hear God's stories. They clearly have great respect for her in the community. Many have come (albeit inconsistently) because of her invitation to her home. We tell chronological Bible stories and pray for the Spirit to work in hearts. This week, Jenny came prayer-walking with us in another village. Apparently it was fun! She is understandably mixed-up in her beliefs, but her heart is wide open. She prayed for friends, and God sent us.
God with us, be Immanuel in this household to reach their village.

Meet Waen ('ring')

Waen lives in my neighbourhood. We have occasionally gone on walks or runs or played badminton in the street. Each time we talk a lot. She is also 18, and has also just finished school. Waen has a curious mind, and always asks inquiring questions about everything, including my life and my faith. She is one I would love to invest in more, but is shortly moving elsewhere for University. Like any teenager, she is looking for answers and looking for love.
God of love, be the answer to all her questions. Send her a friend who can lead her to you. 

Finally, Aunty Uu

I met her the day we moved into this house - when I went down the road looking for something. I didn't expect to find my Thai Mum! Since then I have visited her almost every week. She cooks up a storm each time I go :) I've shared my testimony with her, the gospel, given her a Bible, pray with her each week, and she has come to my house church once and been impacted by a word of knowledge. Yet she remains largely uninterested in Jesus, and fervently Buddhist. I wondered whether to stop going. Eventually it dawned on me that Aunty Uu is God's gift to me, just to bless me by caring for me. She hugs me and cooks for me, listens and laughs with me and answers endless questions about language and culture with understanding, patience and wisdom. She is truly a gift.
Giver of every good gift, care for her deepest needs, bless her with the gifts only You can! 

Snapshots of Surin

We pray in each district we visit (this time with a Cambodian team), realising it is probably the first time God has been worshipped there, maybe ever. 

Lady selling betel-nut. 

Khmer (Cambodian) style architecture
on the temple gate

Shelling tamarind with a family while 'gossiping the gospel'

The ancestors spirits just entered this new house
... hence the ladder

On a survey trip, we primarily have three aims:
To worship & pray in areas with no churches, 
to meet with families in villages and learn
about Khmer Surin culture, sharing hope as 
we have the opportunity. 

I am collecting Scriptures that I regularly pray
over Surin. One of these is Mal 1:11,14

"My name will be great among the nations, 
from the rising to the setting of the sun. For I
am a great King, and my name is to be feared
among the nations."

A gorgeous view from a hilltop temple (Me with Judah Tong)

How Isaan kids occupy themselves when the adults are out
- making roofing!

This is a city shrine to the wild elephant spirit. The ropes of bondage are what is being worshipped.

This man used to be a believer, a long time ago. Here I have encouraged him to return to God,
and he has just downloaded a Bible App on his phone. Pray for this family.

Trendy: Supernatural dolls called 'Angel Child'

My encounter with the 'look thep'.

On a recent trip to Bangkok, I saw a lady cradling a baby-sized doll in her lap. I wondered what it could possibly be for. Then while boarding the plane, the lady in front of me was carrying a doll, just as you might carry a baby. I’d heard of dolls that are given to teenage girls in the UK to mimic actual babies, intended to put them off unwanted pregnancy. But these women seemed too old for that...

I asked the lady in front of me and she laughed nervously. “It’s an angel doll”, she said, “it’s what we believe in”. Curious, I asked more questions. “If you look after it like your child, it helps your business”, she said. I told my Thai Christian friend who was flying with me and she was shocked and repulsed. “It’s an evil spirit inside the doll!” she exclaimed. But she had never seen anything like it before. “Satan never rests”, she said, “he is always thinking up new ways to deceive people."

What are they?

The luk thep, or angel child dolls are a new religious trend that is now all over the news and social media. They cost from 2,000 baht (£40) to 20,000 baht (£400), and were popularised by celebrities who claimed dressing up and feeding the figurines had brought them success. Doll-mania has since swept up the superstitious, with adults bringing the figures to Buddhist ceremonies, restaurants and even on planes, where they are even issued seats and served refreshments. Thai media published a leaked airline memo that defined the "child angels" as "a doll that is alive".

What do Thais think and why? 

A doll painted with holy gold sheets in its eyes and
 mouth. They were applied in rituals by Buddhist monks. 

While adherents believe the dolls hold children's spirits which bring good luck, wealth, blessing and protection from harm, there are many Thais who also ridicule the craze. A (Buddhist) girl I know started talking about how crazy people are to “take the bad thing and the evil thing, and call it a good thing”. She knows that while the angel doll trend only started last year, the practice has roots in the ancient occult worship of preserved stillborn/aborted foetuses thought to contain a child's spirit. While the lady on the plane told me “this is what Thai Buddhists believe”, this other girl was aghast at how fellow Buddhists could be so foolish. 

What are they really? 

A friend in Bangkok shared this story:

This incident occurred at a church member’s restaurant.  A customer had come into the restaurant for lunch, and with them they brought their  “look thep”.  They ordered their meal and also ordered a separate meal for their doll. After ordering, the customer tells her “look thep” to go ahead and go run around the restaurant while they waited for the food.  Not long after, one of the waitresses starts acting funny, like a child.  She starts running around the restaurant and then goes to ask another server for some red Fanta. **(Spirits are known to like red Fanta as offerings.) The fellow server gives the waitress water instead. At this point, the waitress is not happy, and it becomes evident that something is wrong with her.  Another worker at the restaurant, who is a Christian, recognizes that the waitress is being possessed by an evil spirit a.k.a. the “look thep”.  This Christian worker then prays and rebukes the evil spirit and it leaves the waitress. After the spirit leaves the waitress, she loses all strength and just folds to the floor, vomiting.  Soon after, other (Buddhist) employees gather round the waitress and hang a necklace with an amulet (Buddha) around her neck for “protection”.  She should’ve been fine, but to their shock the spirit re-entered the waitress a second time. Now, the Christian owner of the restaurant steps in, prays to rebuke the spirit not only out of the waitress but out of the restaurant completely. These “look thep” dolls are actually a deceptively glorified version of an old Thai practice — the worship of evil spirits made 'cuter'. Though many Buddhist monks have participated in blessing or praying spirits into these dolls, one monk interestingly said, “Don’t you think it funny that Thailand has come to the point of bowing down to dolls and asking for their blessing?”    Why are they popular? Although more than 90% of Thais identify as Buddhist, the country's Buddhism is known for its syncretism, comfortably blending many animist and Hindu traditions into daily worship. The ‘Angel Child’ doll is only one of a whole array of gods in their belief system, along with items on their ‘god shelf' at home, amulets, images and incantations around their neck, on their body and in their car. All are hoped to be a quick-fix to life's difficulties, especially in times of struggling economy and ongoing political instability. This desire also provides insatiable demand for fortune tellers, astrologers, spiritists, etc. in Thai society. The 'look thep' is just a glimpse, a symptom of desperation.  How do we pray? My friend and I spent the rest of the plane journey praying for Thailand. The spiritual battle is strong, strong enough to blind and trap religious Thais into worshipping evil spirits by disguising it as an innocent doll.  As unbelievable as this whole trend may be, the Apostle Paul wrote, “But I am not surprised! Even Satan can disguise himself as an angel of light. (2 Cor. 11:14)”  Thai people are inherently spiritual and have a strong faith, but that faith is so misplaced from Jesus, the true Light of life. Yes they are desperate, but not desperate enough! They want a god they can add to their shelf, who will play by their rules. The think the darkness is light.   "But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away." (2 Cor 3:14)  May the people who walk in the darkness see the great Light, may the veil be taken away.  May the power of the Holy Spirit demolish demonic strongholds.  May the Kingdom of Heaven break into the darkness and be established forever.  Sources:  http://www.bangkokpost.com/photo/photo/838584/child-angel-dolls-cute-or-scary-religious-or-ridiculous http://www.bangkokpost.com/opinion/opinion/839964/looking-trendy-but-stupid http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/general/840180/angel-doll-vendors-busted-for-tax-evasion http://us10.campaign-archive1.com/?u=9642cfdcf81881885e0bc891e&id=9d9ce0474c&e=aab159e999